Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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