did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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