nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
