my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Fuck appropriateness.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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