I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
