My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
