I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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