Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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