Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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