if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just google imaged poop.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
