Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
