I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
