i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
