On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I will be naked everywhere
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
