I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
the liver wants what the liver wants
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
