I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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