I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
