The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
