i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
