I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Found the puke drawer
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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