Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
