Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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