i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
