Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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