every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
