Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
