Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
