I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
