im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
