I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
