you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's blow job season.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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