I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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