I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
