were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
