her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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