wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Girls should come with a carfax report
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
