Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
