I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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