I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
