Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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