I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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