Cold hands, warm shart.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
