My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
