I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
