cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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