the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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