I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
