last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
