Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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