well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
