No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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