She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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