I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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