Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
