Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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