when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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