Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
