The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
