Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
