Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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