So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
whose ass print is on the piano?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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