gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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