Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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