3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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