I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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