is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
