Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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