I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
