Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize