you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
did i walk over a car last night?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Randomize
