I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
